There’s always a gameshow going on in my head. The only thing missing is the announcer’s voice: “Come on down and play……..I Find Myself Thinking About”!!!

Perhaps if there was an announcer, it would give me fair warning about the next crazy thought that’s coming up. That would be useful.

Often my thoughts are a kaleidoscope. Little shards of geometric shapes. The one that catches my attention at any given moment is random and the kaleidoscope metaphor is flawed because it gives the impression that my thoughts have organization, any shape at all.

My mind is a trout just beneath the surface ready to bite at the next bug that lands on the surface. At this moment in history, you would think we would have an abundance of fat trout, when in fact what we have is an infestation of bugs. There are so many flies on the surface, we cant figure out which one to bite at, so instead we are starving. A nation of very skinny trout in a gameshow we can’t turn off.

I have always questioned my own sanity. This provides a check and balance. When I can actually catch my own thoughts and look at them (which isn’t very often) I can evaluate them. “Well, that’s an interesting thought” or, “that’s some truly crazy, or dark, or twisted shit”. The crazy dark and twisted bucket is definitely overflowing. When the bucket is this full, there is no longer any chance that I will be able to stop, take a breath, step back and look at my own thinking.

We’re all in that boat now. There is so much crazy dark and twisted. There are so many flies on the surface of the lake, there are so many pointed little shards of glass in our vision that we can’t take a step back. This is me. This is all of us. This is all the time.

I long for a simpler time when the universe provided no more input than I could process. Perhaps I am fooling myself. Maybe I am looking for some earlier time when my mind was great and now, I simply want to make my mind great again. If only I could move to Mayberry.

When the world is this dark I can’t see the light. When there’s so much food for thought, I can’t take a bite. All that is left is my breath and the world wants to take my breath away.

Do yourself a favor. Walk over to the TV and turn off the gameshow, you can always catch it in re-runs.