I’ve been working my way up. Started the summer of 2019 when we used to go to the pool almost every day. Just for clarification, a pool is a hole in the ground covered in cement that you swim in. Granny Clampet called it the Cement-Pond. This is where my practice began.

I would hang on to the side of the pool submerge myself and begin to count….one Mississippi, two Mississippi. When I began I was able to hold my breath for over a minute. Some practice later, it was a minute and a half, then two, then three.

I’m hoping to work myself up to 11, 520. A lofty goal to be sure but I have already started and am pretty committed.

Warning: Make sure to talk to your doctor about holding your breath from now until inauguration day. Side effects may include dizziness, black outs, hallucinations, delirium, abdominal cramps, rash or even unconsciousness. If you experience the last symptom don’t panic. You are in the same state as half the electorate.

Ask your doctor if unconsciousness is right for you.