I thought this to be an extremely profound turn of phrase when my good friend Bob Latchaw said it. It was of course tongue and cheek, but underneath is the absolute current of truth. All we have is now.

But what if everywhere you go, there you aren’t ? What if you find little pieces of yourself becoming transparent, unfindable. What if little by little you are disappearing? It was easy for Claude Rains, all he needed was an ace bandage and sunglasses. I’m having rather a bit more difficulty than Claude.

We don’t yet know what’s going on and are in the slow lane dealing with specialists and diagnostics but the one thing that is for certain is that everywhere I go, I am not always there. At some point I am sure they will render a single diagnosis; whether it’s stroke related or dementia, or Alzheimer’s or maybe just really bad gas, but for now I am discovering the exciting and wonderful world of dementia. CRS is a real diagnosis and when you are the patient, it can be some scary shit.

We are still in the quiet phase of all this. Just keeping to ourselves and not talking with anyone close, not even friends or family. My kids haven’t heard it directly but I am sure they are suspicious just based on the couple phone conversations I have had with them recently. I try to steel myself for those conversations testing my years of experience as an actor but you can’t cover up CRS with makeup. Eventually you start to sweat.

I’m kinda there today. I feel transparent and untethered from the past. Yesterday was the first big monsoon of the season and it poured down old testament rain for hours starting around 5pm. The only reason I know this is because Miss Chicapee showed me pictures of the rainbows.